Why Am I Talking? It's one of the coolest acronyms I learned from listening to Anne Lamott. It reminds me that sometimes the best action to take is no action at all. As a mom, it's one of the most challenging lessons I need to learn.
Recently, my 30-year old came for a visit. In the past, he's asked me pointedly not to do his laundry when he comes to visit. A simple request, right? One would think. I walked by the washing machine, noting that it was closed and cycles done. I looked inside & saw his clothes, and automatically started to transfer them into the dryer. Suddenly, his request popped into my head & I methodically took the clothes I had just put into the dryer and placed them back into the washing machine. I closed the lid and walked out of the room, shaking my head as I considered how stupid that seemed, but at the same time, proud of my actions.
It's actually the inaction that was important, just as the unspoken has proven to be my saving grace when communicating with my kids. Holding my tongue and not jumping immediately to solutions or worse, plying them with probing questions I think has improved my relationships with them more than any advice I may have given.
I read this quote recently and it took me by surprise.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me." (Anon...)
Well of COURSE it's anonymous- who would really want to admit writing that? But it's good to have the reminder that looking honestly in the mirror and making changes is necessary and humbling.
To keep evolving is key to having mutually satisfying relationships with my adult kids. Knowing when to shut up is equally important as knowing when not to butt in. Even a facial expression which conveys an uninvited response can be read with little effort. I need to utilize "W.A.I.T" more often & practice just listening and nodding.
I guess it's a bit like finally letting go of the bicycle seat or letting go of them in a swimming pool- all scary prospects but necessary for them to learn and necessary for me to take a step back. It's no different today really, they're just bigger and smarter and they know me better . Now I know when to pull back, even if pulling back sometimes means just keeping quiet when I still want to offer the advice. I have learned this - a supporting actor is a critical role to play and sometimes the supporting actor's job is to simply keep their mouth shut. Hey, like falling off a log.
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